My husband and I currently live in a coop apartment which does not allow pets. We’ve liked here for over 2 years. It is both of our dreams to one day get a dog as a pet, but since we are not allowed any pets we considered other options. Finally my husband said “what about a cat?”. I thought about it for a minute and realized that other people in our building have cats; my next door neighbor has one! Then I said “well we work all day so we will have to get 2 cats so they can keep each other company” Then I considered the fact that i really didn’t like cats; well I never had one so how do I know that I really don’t like them? We did some research online about cats and for local adoption centers and found one relatively close to our house. I went there and filled out the application and returned later in the week with my husband. We saw these 2 adorable 8 week old kittens and instantly fell in love with them. It has been almost 6 months since we adopted our little furballs and can not imagine life without them!
Today I am 33 years old and have three children. I had all three children within the span of one year. My husband and I adopted our older two from Ethiopia. They are beautiful, kind, smart clever girls but I was young and thoroughly overwhelmed. I thought I was a horrible mother but really still wanted to have another baby. I can’t explain why. Maybe because our oldest two were not babies when they came home, but I think it was also because I was disappointed that these children were leaving me less than fulfilled. I couldn’t return to work and I had no time for balance in my life. I had no perspective and thought another child, this time a baby, would fill a need. In hindsight I probably had post-adoption depression. But needless to say, we got pregnant and our youngest was born just one year after we brought our first two home. After an exhausting three years my body caught up with these choices and I got severely depressed, had intense insomnia and anxiety. Now with some meds I have been able to gain some perspective on everything. I see that I need to maintain a sense of self, I see that being a good mother doesn’t take constant vigilance. In this anxiety I thought I was failing my children, which of course just spiraled the whole problem. But all of this really needs to be examined through my anxiety about not becoming my own mother.
I am 20 years old. I am $90,000 in school loans. For the most part, my life is good and I try to stay optimistic, but in the back of my head, I am constantly thinking and worrying on how I am going to pay this off. I talk to kids at school and many of them have their parents helping them out with money and I become envious of them. I think that it’s not fair, and why can’t my parents help me? Then I realize that yes, my loan is very large, and yes, I need to pay it back all on my own, but I feel like I can appreciate my education more and not take it for granted BECAUSE I have to pay the loan off myself. When I first decided to attend an expensive school, people thought I was crazy. For that amount of money? Really? They would ask. But you know, you have to take a risk to get a reward. I decided to invest in myself because I believe that I will be successful. One of my favorite quotes is, “Happy are those who dream dreams, but are ready to pay the price to make those dreams come true.” Nothing comes easy. But I know that no matter how much I worry about my loans and paying them off, it will all work out somehow because I believe in myself and I know if I could not handle this situation, God would not have put me in it.
Marguerite Duras once said something like: a woman’s life is defined by fantasy and sadness. If there is anything I have learn this summer it is that. I live in the downstairs room in my girlfriends grandmother house for the summer between college quarters. I pass my time writing, reading and I should admit watching TV, hanging out with my girlfriend when she is not working. I’m quite and like to keep to myself in my downstairs hideout. Everyday, mostly when my girlfriend is at work, a storm moves upstairs. My girlfriends grandmother is a fire of a woman, living in a constant fantasy about the world around her. She oscillates between two juxtaposed states both of which is only as deep as the moment she is in. She tells me the weirdest stories about people living in the center of the earth, about some vitamin miracle cure or how she can’t get the remote to work. Not like a crazy person, not wild and out of control, but with a conviction and enlightenment. In these moments she believes she understands a deep truth about the world. In her fantasy she is a part of a singularity, a oneness, which moves through all of us. In others moments, in her very human moments, I see she is very sad and alone. She realizes her actions have all but chased away her two child, who she had once abandoned. Her husband has died who she believe would life for ever. She knows she is only a human being which will died unhappy and unsatisfied. That all her believe are more like wishes than truths. But isn’t that true of all of us.
I came to America in 1997 from Europe. I recently moved to California and got married with a French woman. That was then… now we have five children, all studying to be lawyers and doctors. I myself am a Graphic Designer. I make money by selling art that I have produced electronically. I am a specialist in the printing part of the graphic art too. I dream one day, to go back to the school from which I graduated and to be a teacher, and teach others my skills and knowledge. Recently I have had a birthday and I turned 41. It is funny because I don’t feel that much older, but somehow younger. It is probably because I have so many kids around. I will miss them when they will grow up but, I will also be very happy for them. Knowing that I have showed them the right paths and teaching to make better choices, kind of relaxes me knowing one day they will have a family, and I will have a second pair of kids… oh boy. My family means everything to me. I would not trade them for anything in the world. I also do a lot of my shopping on Amazon. Anything from tools to presents to surprises for my wife. So I guess my purpose here today is to tell all you young people out there today that your dreams can never die, but you can always save them for later. I hope I have been helpful, and dream big!
